I can't stay

I smell danger

The winter blues are back

I don't want to be a stranger

Like those times when it was dark.

Can't remember any dreams

I used to smell the flowers

You made me angry, I had my fears

I thought this time was ours.

It's not your fault, but who to blame?

I've been down, and down I go

You, my love, are still the same

Peace and calm I've always known.

I don't heal, I never ask

Why this soul can't find its place

He says "come back from the past"

But I can't leave this winter haze.

Rain over me

Nothing calms me more than rain.

Here I am in the middle of this dark and lonely street. Nobody passes by at this hour, and that is why I usually walk by myself, with myself. But today the skies are crying. They’re crying to heal me. That’s what rain does to me. It washes off all my sins, it tells me I get a second chance at life, at being good again. I let my umbrella fall, because I want the rain to soak me, enter my pores and clean me all. I want to be able to smell it, open my lungs and inhale this beautiful thing that nature has given us. How do we deserve something so beautiful? I wish it could understand me how much I love it. I wish nature knew how grateful I am for rain. 
I wish it knew that I love its sound, that I recognize its special rhythm and that I know it’s not random. That wherever I am, I run to the door and let my body take in the smell, thanking divinity for this gift.

I know that every drop is special and has its meaning. They each have a sound and together they create music. It’s music for everyone, and it’s music for me. Together, they are the calming voice of a monk, and they tell me I can be reborn. So I walk with my umbrella down.

Hey, little girl

Don’t you know, little girl, that first love never lasts,
That it comes like fire and it leaves like wind?
Don’t you know, little girl, that what you love becomes the past
And that it never cares about your will?

Didn't they tell you, little girl, these wise men,
That kisses you once breathed, tomorrow you won’t remember?
Didn't they tell you, little girl, how good things always end,
And all there’s left now is surrender?

I know your pain little girl, I've felt it all before
And they didn't tell me either that he’ll one day say goodbye.
But we’re strong, little girl, we swim back to the shore
‘Cause one day, they told me, I’ll stop asking why.

Pleaca, dar intoarce-te

I-am dat totul. L-am lasat de nenumare ori sa imi tina sufletul in palma, si sa faca ce vrea cu el. Am avut increderea ca si daca l-ar face bucati, tot el l-ar lipi la loc. Nu mi-a fost teama sa sufar din pricina lui, atata timp cat sufeream langa el, caci zambetul si prezenta sa ma alinau si ma asigurau ca totul va fi bine. 
Si am suferit mult, sa stii! Asa de mult ca nu am mai stiut cine sunt, ca nu a mai stiut nici el cine sunt. Si au fost zile in care nu l-am mai vrut, in care as fi dat orice sa fiu numai eu cu mine insami, sa imi las inima sa respire, sa fie calma si sa se gandeasca doar la ea. Am vrut sa scap de zidurile imaginare care ma asfixiau si de vocile din mintea mea care nu mai taceau.

Dar asa pierduta cum am fost, a stat langa mine. Acum ma intreb daca a stat din datoria fata de daruirea mea totala, sau din frica de a nu mai gasi pe cineva care sa-l iubeasca la fel.
Oricare ar fi raspunsul, azi nu mai e aici. 

A plecat, stii cand? Nu cand n-am mai stiut cine sunt si ce caut in viata lui, nu cand l-am ranit cu vorbele mele rele si atitudinea mea de copil razgaiat, nu cand cand i-am strigat in fata ca poate sa plece chiar acum si sa fie fericit cu alta, nici macar cand i-am spus ca nu mai inseamna nimic pentru mine. 

A plecat cand eu m-am regasit. Cand m-am vindecat si am stiut cine suntem amandoi si cat de mult il iubesc. Cand am inteles in sfarsit ca si el ma iubeste si ca nu sunt singurul personaj in acest roman, cand am reusit sa scot demonii din mine, si am realizat ca imi doresc viata alaturi de el.

Am pus multe intrebari, dar am primit asa putine raspunsuri. Unul dintre raspunsuri l-am citit in ochii lui - mila. Poate si vinovatie. I-a fost mila sa vada cum il privesc cu ochii mei mici acum umpluti de lacrimi, intreband de ce, si el neputand sa imi raspunda. I-a fost mila sa ma stie inca o victima a sa, si ca poate nu as fi meritat. Dar am simtit si un alt tip de mila. Acela de superioritate, care apare atunci cand tu esti bine, si cel din fata ta e la pamant. Nu a fost o mila de la egal la egal. El imi era superior, si durea mai tare decat propria-I plecare. Caci amandoi stiam ca el e bine, ca inima lui e intreaga, ca din momentul in care eu voi parasi camera el va fi liber si ca atatea femei vor simti iubirea si daruirea lui; ca pana vor cadea primii fulgi de zapada amintirea mea va fi ca o fotografie aruncata prin sertare dezordonate. 

Eu pe de alta parte, nu as fi bine. Caci eu aveam inima in genunchi in fata lui, neintelegand ce suflet poate sa existe in el care sa-l lase sa plece de langa iubirea si lacrimile mele. Nu, eu nu as fi bine. Cum as putea, cand el imi era bucuria sufletului, dar si sutul in fund de care aveam de atatea ori nevoie? Era cel care ma intelegea, si cel care nu era de accord cu mine. Cel care ma proteja si ma apara de rautati, dar si cel care ma trimitea in lume sa cuceresc si cele mai inalte culmi.

Stiam amandoi ca eu nu voi fi bine…